I'm not fat, I'm fluffy!

"Hello, my name is Willow, and I would like everyone to know that I am not fat, I am fluffy. I am getting just a bit tired of everyone coming up to me and saying "Oooh, isn't she a large cat" in that way that makes it very obvious that they want to say I am fat, but are just a wee bit too polite to actually do so. Is it any wonder that I tend look a tad grumpy? Well, in the unlikely event that there may be just a little bit too much adipose tissue hiding beneath my wondrously thick and full coat, I have started a new exercise regime. It involves sitting in front of the back door and meowing piteously and continuously until someone bothers to take notice of me and lets me out. I then leg it round to the front of the house - my best time so far is 2 minutes and 45 seconds, but I am pretty sure I can improve on that if I don't stop to lick my arse right after I have squeezed through the gap in the gate - see, if I were fat, would I be able to do that? Anyway, once I have reached the front of the house, I go and sit on a table on the front porch and peer in through the window. It's great, I can watch my sister, Tess, without her trying to lick my head, put her tongue down my ear or pile on top of me while going for my throat. I can watch the toads doing whatever it is toads do, which generally speaking is not a busting lot. Tess seems to like them, although she informs me that they taste rather bitter and that the crickets are much more fun to play with and they have a nice crunch that complements their nutty flavour. I can also annoy whoever happens to see me sitting out there. The first game to play is the "oh please let me in, look how pathetic I look sitting out here in the cold and wet" game. When the front door opens, I do nothing, just sit there, minding my own business, watching the world go by on the inside of the house. Tee hee! Of course, that one can backfire if you play it too often, because when you finally do want to come in, you may be ignored. A boy and a wolf come to mind. So, to vary the fun, I rush inside, skid and slide across those damn slippery floors, back to the back door and ask to go out again. I then run the circuit again - déjà vu!"

So, that is Willow's idea of fun apparently. She does have her variations - sometimes she will only get as far as the garage before turning around and coming back to sit on the back door step, looking pathetic, pretending that she wants to come in. My marmite on toast ended up getting cold this morning because I had to keep getting up to let her in or out. I know, I know, she is just a cat and I should ignore her - but look at her, how can you ignore such a gorgeous, furry little creature with such a cute little face? The whole game does go pear-shaped on her sometimes, since if I have to let her in or out too many times I can lose track of whether she is in or out and forget she is actually outside - and so there she stays until I realise that she hasn't bugged me for quite some time. I then find her climbing the window screen, desperately trying to get someone's attention to let her in.

This leads me to several ideas on how to improve my cats' lives and mine. For today, let's start with the most obvious one - the need for a cat flap. Well, duh! Even an idiot could come up with that to solve the in and out problem. You would think so, until you comprehend the long list of needs that I have for my cat flap. Here are the highlights:

1) I have a glass backdoor, but I don't want to cut the glass - this means that a new door is required, but I quite like all the light that the existing door lets in. I can solve this by buying a door that has small glass panes. I can then remove just one pane and replace it with the cat flap - I think I will make it one quite high up - my cats need a bit of an athletic challenge now and then!

2) I will need Mr. DBM to install said new door because I am lazy and don't want to do it myself.

3) I need a flap that will let the cats out during the day, but will keep them in at night. Now, I know that you can buy cat flaps where you can determine if the cats are allowed in or out or in and out. But this requires flipping a switch and remember, I am lazy. No, it is not flipping the switch that is the problem - I am not that lazy - but I don't want to have to get up at 5am, when Willow has decided that she wants to go out and is not going to leave you alone until you let her out, to flip the switch. It is the getting up that is the issue. If you want to see what Willow is like at 5am, follow this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmwqpHsMExg - she does everything except the baseball bat! So, I need a cat flap with a timing device so that I can set the switch to flip at anytime I desire.

4) I don't really want half the neighbourhood racoons in my kitchen, so I do need some kind of selective security.

So, if anyone knows of a cat flap that will meet all of my specific needs, that is available in Canada and that does not cost and arm and a leg please let me know. Thank you!

P.S. While following the above link to check that it worked, I found this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rb8aOzy9t &feature=related
- go on, click on it, it will make you smile!