Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Cat Therapy

Cat therapy ............ or should I say cat torture? No wait! Before you all rush off to the SPCA, I am not talking about torturing the cat, but the cat torturing me. It always starts as therapy and nearly always ends as torture.


A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that Mr DBM and I are trying to sell our house and buy a new one. This is turning out to be rather more stressful than planned. We have had two offers on our townhouse; both of them good offers, but both of them were then withdrawn, due to issues with the buyers selling their houses. As for the buying part, well, this is proving to be even more difficult. Apparently, I only choose houses that are owned by crazy people and it seems that negotiating a fair price on a house with a mad person is very difficult. Notice the word fair. We wouldn’t have a problem buying a house, as long as we either agreed to a ridiculous price or to some hair-brained subject to, whereby the seller can pull out at any point in the next six months if they can’t find a house that they quite fancy. So, English Mum, don’t book your holiday to Canada just yet. In amongst all this, there was a devastating earthquake in Haiti, and nothing seemed very important after that. But that is a very dangerous view to take on life and life does go on. And so the house hunt goes on and so my roller coaster ride of emotions goes on. Looks like I might be in some need of some relaxation therapy. Cue the cats.



Any of you that have been around my blog for a while knows that I have two cats – Willow and Tess. They are gorgeous, obviously, but they are also a source of much irritation. They leave fur everywhere, and what they don’t shed in puffs of fluff that roll endlessly across my dining room floor, they throw up in copious amounts of cat vomit all over my basement carpet, and my bedroom carpet, and my hall carpet, and my stair carpet. I do have a lot of laminate and tile flooring, but they always seem to miss that. Did I mention my nice living room rug or my lovely, expensive duvet cover? Did I mention that they do this very loudly at 2am in the morning, or right before we are due to have the house shown to some prospective buyer? I am guessing that stepping in a large protein spill does not encourage one to buy a house.


They also have other irritating issues. Willow insists on being let out of the backdoor, legging it round to the front door and then staring in at the window until you let her in. She then eats one piece of food and repeats the whole exercise, over and over again. She insists on being the world’s friendliest cat, but only between the hours of 2am and 5am, after which she has no interest in humans what-so-ever, unless they are feeding her tuna or letting her in or out. She also has fur issues. The fur that she does not shed or throw up proceeds to form into large clumps, making her look like a charity case that needs rescuing from the SPCA. I know, as a responsible owner I should be grooming her regularly. But, as an owner who is fond of her facial features and likes to keep her blood inside her body, this has proven to be rather tricky and rather expensive, since even the vet deemed that she needed sedation before she could be groomed.


Tess is less worrying and less expensive on a day-to-day basis, mainly because she doesn’t really do anything. There is no terrorising the local rodent and avian populations and so no mouse livers or bird heads left on the path outside the back door (again, putting off anyone who might be interested in purchasing the house) and no fears of internal parasites that said victims may have been harbouring. She is unlikely to get eaten by roving packs of coyotes, since she never leaves the safety of the house. Her fur is sleek and smooth and she does not try to kill me if she sees me with a brush or comb. She may be a little bit stout, but I just tell everyone that is just because she is fluffy. However, I do have worries in the mental department. You see, I fear little Tess is a little bit crazy. This may be due to the consumption of copious quantities of catnip or it may have something to do with oxygen deprivation in the womb. She was the last to be born and was a little bit slow coming into this world. She has been a little bit slow ever since. She really is a bit of a basket case. Just the other day, she proved this to be literally true when I found her rolling around with her head inside one of our wicker waste paper baskets. She also snores, a lot, and she has found the perfect position on the bed where I can’t quite reach her to kick her.



So, what is the point of having these two fairly useless lumps of feline fluff around the house? Where is my relaxation therapy when I need it?


Imagine going into a quiet, slightly darkened room and lying down on a bed. Now curl up into a foetal position and start to stroke the smoothest, silkiest surface in the entire world. Imagine your fingers flowing over this soft, pliable surface; your tactile sense is stimulated to a new level of bliss. Your cares and worries start to flow out through your fingertips; the warmth emanating from this living, breathing creature starts to lighten your mood. Your breathing slows and your stress starts to drain away. As you start to drift off into a world full of feathers and snowflakes, fluffy bunnies and down duvets, a vibration begins from deep within this miraculous animal. As the purring resonates through your body, pulsing through your skin and your muscles, reaching all the way to your heart, you finally relax. Your breathing slows further, your heart rate drops. You have just discovered nature’s answer to all that is chaotic and stressful in this world full of craziness. Your eyes are now starting to close as the purring intensifies. You can feel soft paws starting to massage your weary neck and head, you have just about reached a blissful state of ultimate relaxation and then...............


OMFG – The PAIN! All of a sudden it feels as though tiny, curved pins have been stapled into your head. You know that they are curved because they don’t pull out again. Instead they embed themselves into your scalp and then pulsate back and forth, ripping holes into your skin. WTF!?! What happened to my massage? What happened to my bliss? I want my peace, my calm, my serene state back. I don’t want this drooling monster sucking on my head, piercing my skull with her needle-sharp claws over and over and over again. Oh yes, she is still purring, but how is that helping me now as drool starts to roll down my neck and soak my pillow and my nerve endings start to scream out for mercy. If I try to pull away, one of her claws invariably gets stuck in my head and I lose another chunk of scalp and let lose another couple of swear words. Why oh why does Tess derive so much pleasure from sucking on my hair, and why does she have to torture me while doing it? The other one is no better – Willow just targets my boobs instead. Seriously, if you need to interrogate anyone in the near future, just let me know. Sod the waterboarding, I can just hire you a couple of cats and you will soon have your victim squealing for mercy, begging for the pain to stop, willing to tell you the whereabouts of the Holy Grail, the combination to the safe or where he has hidden the marshmallows to prevent you from eating them all in one sitting. They are evil, I tell you, evil.


Having said all of that, I do love them dearly. As I type this, Willow has just walked into the room, sat down and is now just looking at me. I don’t know what she wants, or what she is thinking. It is all a mystery to me. I have no idea what is going on in her walnut-sized brain most of the time. But, no matter how much they bug me, I do know one thing. Every time I see them, I smile. It is a smile that reaches my heart and heals my soul.




P.S. The cats are available for hire – for relaxation or torture, depending on your needs.


29 comments:

Baino said...

They are beautiful and annoying. I had a wonderful cat but didn't replace her when she died because I was concerned a new cat might not be so 'bird' friendly. That 'claw kneading' thing is so annoying. They all do it. Someone told me it's a learned reflex from when they were kittens stimulating their mother's milk so maybe it's a huge comfort for them. Your pretty pusses are lovely. And trust me, no cat I've ever had is as hairy as an indoor dog! Thank God for the Swiffer and the hypoallergenic Dyson.

水災 said...

失敗時你可能會失望,但如果不嘗試,將永無希望。..................................................

Cortes said...

Thanks DBM..... brought back some nice memories of my kitties.

Suldog said...

The part about the massage is damned funny :-)

LadyGarfield said...

a delightful read!

my turtle put that "...smile that reaches my heart and heals my soul" on me today... by hurrying out of his hiding place and beating me to the front door, when a visitor rang our doorbell this morning.

Katherine said...

Ah, the old rhythmic 'claw massage' trick. Sounds very familiar. Delightful post.

jay said...

"Seriously, if you need to interrogate anyone in the near future, just let me know. Sod the waterboarding, I can just hire you a couple of cats"

Hahahahahahaa!! LOL!

I love that third picture of Tess, it's just adorable. How can you possibly slander such a sweet creature so? ROFL!

Coastal Aussie said...

Wonderfully explained. I could picture it all... and was becoming restful, and calm.... until the claws! The claws!

It's terrific to read such a personal piece from you. Hugs !!

Kate said...

Fantastic - and so very true!!! Max does all of those things too and sleeps at the foot end of my bed after my nightly maiming - sadly though I suffer from cramp sometimes and straightening my leg quickly to ease the muscle can sometimes cause Max to shoot off the end of the bed as if he's been struck with a snooker cue!!

It doesn't stop him though - he just comes back for more!!!

Don't Bug Me! said...

Baino: They are beautiful, aren't they? It is not just me being biased, is it?

Cortes: You should get another one!

Suldog: It is only funny when it is not your head.

LadyGarfield: Why, thank you. Is your turtle actually a turtle? Can turtles outpace humans?

Katherine: Most cats seem to do it, but this is the first one that I have had that does it to my head.

Jay: She is adorable, isn't she? Sweet, but deadly.

CA: Hugs right back at ya!

Kate: I wish my cat would jump off the end of my bed when I kick her. She just rolls over and starts snoring again.

Cortes said...

Would you like a translation of the 2nd comment? I think I could handle that for you.

Don't Bug Me! said...

Cortes: Perhaps you could translate it and then let me know if I want a translation or not!?

オテモヤン said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cortes said...

Hi there DBM. Well, the translation was a tad more difficult than I thought at first. Primarily due to the fact that there really is no common base between English and Chinese. If we translate English to French, German, Spanish, etc, we have a common thought process with different words, but with Chinese, we do not.

Anyway, the young lady was commenting on the sale of your house as opposed to your cats. She said that disappointment is easy, but to persevere. Hopes never come true unless you try.

To illustrate the difficulty here, her name translates into something akin to "the convergence of waters", and apparently that is as close as English can get. Wish I could be more helpful.

LadyFi said...

I'm sure that claw kneading is good for the soul... ;-)

They are gorgeous though - how can you resist those cute faces?

i beati said...

They are so gorgeous all of them sandy

jabblog said...

This really resonates with me! We had intended moving but then came the Big Money Fuss with the Banks and we decided to stay put. Just as well - I was not looking forward to atempting to keep the house spick and span with two cats and four dogs and a dearly-loved husband who can never find anything because he never puts anything away.

Sylvia K said...

What gorgeous cats! And your photos are terrific! Fun post and I love the part about the massage! Have a great week! All of you!

Sylvia, Sam and Mojo

Abby said...

Your cats are beautiful and absolutely right about the cat therapy when they let you pet them nice. Our first cat used to like tugging on my hair for awhile but it was just a phase he went through. I just pulled the covers over the tp of my head for a few weeks when he was doing that. Never did figure out why, but it helped when I moved the chair farther down that he jumped on first to get up on the bed.

The Furminator works very well, of course, that's assuming the cats actually lets you use it on them. Maybe if you just start a little at a time, you can gradually lengthen the time of grooming.

Visiting from Pet Pride.

Don't Bug Me! said...

Cortes: Thanks! At least it looks as though this was a real comment. I just deleted one because I hadn't got a clue what it said. Well, I did have one clue, since there was one English word in amongst all the Chinese characters and that one word was sex. I decided that I didn't want to know what the rest said.

LadyFi: My soul would really rather not endure all that pain, thank you very much :o) And I can't resist their faces, which is why I let them torture me.

I beati: Ah, thank you!

jabblog: At least Mr. DBM is very good at cleaning and keeping the place tidy. At least he was, until he put his back out cleaning the toilet. Now all he can do is lie around and we have had to cancel at least one week of house showings.

Sylvia: Thank you. I think that they are gorgeous, but then I am a tad biased.

Abby: I wish it were just a phase, but they turn 8 next year!

Cortes said...

Rats!

Moon said...

Evil fucker that Willow !!!!!

Don't Bug Me! said...

Moon: How can you say that - look at her angelic little face. Nothing that adorable could possibly be evil.

English Mum said...

Haha I love them. I love them for their total conviction that they are the most important thing in the household, and that you'll willingly stroke them for hours, even though you know that torture's just around every corner :)

Beautiful shots, by the way. Oh, and I'm still saving :)

Don't Bug Me! said...

EM: I woke up last night to find Willow stretched halfway across the middle of the bed. I have no idea how she does it, since I start off oocupying that part of the bed. I end up diagonally across the bed - good job we have a kingsized bed, otherwise there wouldn't be room!
Keep up the saving - we are putting an offer on a different house tomorrow. Not as large as the last one, but with half an acre and a gorgeous view. I think I hear chickens clucking........

quilly said...

As a former cat owner I laughed all the way through this post. Cats a incredibly wonderful -- and incredibly nuisances at once. Mr. McFluff, my gray tabby, used to pester me out of bed on winter mornings then curl up in the warm spot with his head on the pillow and try to look innocent.

Don't Bug Me! said...

Hi Quilly! Yes, they do have a way of worming their way into our hearts and our beds, don't they?

Sistertex said...

Beauties!! Sorry to hear of your house selling troubles. Selling your house is always very trying.

Sorry I haven't been around for a while, looking through things here I see I have missed quite a bit. :(

Something happened and apparently my computer was not receptive to the feed to your blog. I think I have fixed that now. All that being tied with issues that have messed with having time to blog I had to step back a bit from the scene.

AND I SO want a macro lense.... your photos are magnificent. One is on my wish list and I'm hoping to get one, one of these days. Of course it isn't all the lense, you have such talent! Ummmm...and I need some of that as well. :)

Don't Bug Me! said...

Sistertex: Glad to have you back! The macro lens is brilliant. As for my talent, well, we may have to attribute some of that to Photoshop as well as the lens :o)